sexual chocolate

Can it really be September tomorrow? What the hell happened to August? Jade has disappeared off to Luton, and is enjoying herself I'm glad to say. Right, this post is evidence that I have made this statement and must keep to it-starting from next week....

'I declare that I shall be cycling to the gym at least twice a week (and using the gym, not just cycling to it) and I shall attempt to swim once a week. I shall be permitted to eat chocolate as reward for my efforts, and to undo all the burning off of calories. In response to this I shall get annoyed at myself and stress out enough to re-burn the calories off'


All this travelling by car has left me with excess energy (which was expended by my cold this week) Yes, next week I am beginning my healthy routine (if I leave it any longer my legs will ache when I cycle so better to just get on with it!-only if it's not raining though) I have done quite well on the health front this week-only three cups of coffee for the entire week so far (I normally drink about five a day) as I have been drinking blueberry tea and Apple and Cinnamon tea, and lots of water....and I have had no chocolate which is just ridiculous-a bit of an experiment actually to see if I really am reliant on it....perhaps my cold is a reaction to chocolate deprivation? I never thought of that before....am I going cold turkey for chocolate? I may ruin the experiment and buy a big bar of fruit and nut tomorrow as a treat (The fruit and nut is healthy so I feel less fat afterwards, and if I buy fairtrade chocolate then I can feel pleased with myself as well as less fat)

P.S. I am mostly listening to Hot Chip, I have become addicted, my favourite track is sexual chocolate (I have somehow replaced my craving for actual chocolate with a song about chocolate......strange.....and chocolatey

stop stealing my cake!

My coughing fits were so inccessant last night that I was half expecting to wake up and find my lung besides me on the pillow. Luckily I managed to drop off, oblivious to the fact that I was still coughing, and with great enough volume to wake The George.

I came home today and discovered that George has eaten all the muffins and all the cakes that we had (this is why I tell him working from home is a bad thing and will make him fat). It really annoyed me because I had strategically placed the muffins and the cakes inside a jacobs cracker tin in an effort to disquise the delicious contents, George must have smelt them out of hiding. I'm also a little peeved because I had divided the number of muffins and cakes into equal daily snackages for work, and I had even tessalated the muffins and cakes to create a pattern so that it was too pretty to eat (I'm very anal like that). But what was the point? George scoffed the lot, I bet he didn't even notice that I had placed an even number of muffins followed by an odd number of cakes and so on and so forth......I'm pretty sure he won't have appreciated my evening out of cakes that were slightly more chunky than others in order to produce an even layer of goodies.......... I just don't know why I bother! Next time I buy cakes I plan to mould them into poo-like shapes, leave them in the garden and see if they disappear next time george works from home!

I am not the only one with a cake theft problem; Ellie was very upset to find her chocolate muffin missing yesterday. The culprit: Ben. What infuriates Ellie most is that I offered a chocolate muffin to both Ellie and Ben, Ben refused and Ellie accepted. Then, in the sneakiest of fashions Ben swipes the Ellie Muffin from under her nose and ruins her entire Bank Holiday Monday. Ben, you have been warned, anymore cake or muffin-related crimes shall incur a seriously painful method of punishment. It is sooooo painful that it is indescribable through words so I'm not going to describe it. But it's bad, very bad.

Right, I'm off to chiropract my own back (if that is possible) as it is killing me, then Coronation Street is on the cards before a late night trip to Tesco's (We are lacking cakes, grrrr)

If I start using the word 'smeg' or the term 'smegging' a lot, apologies, George is currently watching season one of Red Dwarf.

Too much food+castle tour+singstar+arm wrestle=fatigue this morning

I think I am the first female ever to fall pregnant with Tapas. George's parents visited yesterday and fed us mountainous amounts of food (I'm sure they think I don't cook), but hey I'm not complaining, I'd rather eat out than have to cook for myself anyway. Whenever George's parents visit they are eager to something educational (this attitude to life didn't wear off on George AT ALL). And so we did the 'UNLOCKED' Oxford Castle tour.

We didn't think this through.....at present, George's poor dad has one arm in a sling due to a chipped bone in his radial, and one side of his face is falling off (apparently a good thing, it demonstrates the healing process, oh and these are the injuries he received whilst on his bike ride with george last week) So, he was getting some funny looks-I think members of the public thought he was a wax prisoner and part of the tour. To add insult to injury he also suffers from vertigo, so as you can imagine, a one armed vertigo sufferer climbing 100 or so claustraphobic, winding steps up to the top of the castle tower was perhaps a DUMB IDEA! To make things even more ridiculous, we were given little video devices with headphones so that you could wander round and get a whole load of ranting in your ear at your own pace. This was both irritating and disappointing-the characters in each of these clips were played by the same actor, he just swapped wigs or hats so I couldn't focus on any of the information he was rambling on about, I was far too busy prodding george, pointing at this guys stupid ginger wig and chuckling to myself, it was like being on a school trip. I also tried to pick up the food items from one of the cell tables but to my dismay they had been glued down and varnished to prevent imature people like me from stealing props.

Anyway, after doing that and walking around an old castle aimlessly it seemed, we could justify going to Krispy Kreme. We ate many a doughnut and I felt fat, very very fat. I was horrified to discover that they had run out of Apple and Cinnamon doughnuts-the cheek! Were these people not aware that that is the very flavour I desired? So blueberry and chocolate happened instead.

Then we had the excuse to eat more cake because it's George's dad's birthday on Tuesday......this afternoon I have eaten more than I usually manage to consume in an entire week, I was very worried that I may give birth to a maglemated mound of smoked salmon, creamcheese, chorizo and doughnut. Luckily it didn't reveal it's ugly mutated head until this morning....nice.

George's parents left and so me and george invited ourselves round to Ellie and Ben's- sorry if we imposed, no actually I'm not sorry because ben made my day by enlightening me to the Kersal Massive, how I crave for a Burberry Loo now-incredibly hilarious stuff, have a look:

The Kersal Massive-mr Null vs Six50 remix

Last night was funny, it involved guys armwrestling followed by guys kissing other guys butts and singing in far too high an octave for it to be natural. Cannot wait for another Singstar battle of the sexes, the girls whooped the guys asses. By the way, Ben-next time you see Ed, tell him that my bicep was still aching the next day. (I couldn't stand the thought of not attempting to beat a boy at arm wrestling, and as I am deceptively strong I had Ed's arm only a centimeter away from the table (and my ultimate triumph), but the strain on my little bicep overwhelmed me; I had visions of the arm wrestling scene in 'THE FLY' where Jeff Goldblum' s insect strength snaps the other dudes arm in half-at this point I panicked......and I was thrashed....boohoo)

Anyway....off to do the other 999 things I neglected to do on Saturday, good job it's bank holiday-also the first bank holiday I haven't had to work on in over a year! It's all good, I may need to go deposit more food combinations into my toilet, and perhaps photograph it for my own displeasure.

Oh, jade, good luck with the packing today, I will give you a buzz later on.

stuff: part 2

.........Okay, it's half past eleven in the evening now, I managed to get precisely 2 out of the 1001 things done, how rubbish am I? I have been coughing all day though which has taken up all of my energy. George has spent some of the day watching Fraggle Rock (I think he thought it might cure my sore throat for some reason, but it hasn't-I do now have fond memories of 'Trash heap' the trash heap monster from fraggle rock) George spent the rest of the day discussing parts of the house he was planning on tidying (but didn't actually tidy anything), and moaning because his car is a pile of rubbish and is back in the garage getting fixed AGAIN! I'm tempted to graffiti a rude word on the bonnet to try and get him to just give up with the damn car, but he has a strange attachment to it and would probably still drive around in it, and I would have to suffer the humiliation. George is also in mourning for Stargate SG1, it's been cancelled, HA!, IN YER FACE GEORGE!


Just got off the phone to my mate Sarah, my we can talk a long time can't we! As soon as you pass that driving test-up here to me, you can give me a sarah lesson (I know bugger all about driving and I should try and learn something if I plan to start lessons soon) Oh, and don't forget to bring little bessy (we need someone to entertain george whilst we have a natter) Email me a photo to my Gmail account and when I get the time I will do a portrait of Beth, and as requested-normal with no weird antennae or wires coming out of her face (your no fun)

Rightyho folks I'm off to bed, my throat is raw to the extent that I may attempt to remove my own tonsils, and I need to get up tomorrow early and make the house look less of a pig sty as George's parents are coming, and, well George hasn't done it yet (He is now watching Simpsons-soon he will not be able to recognize human people, only cartoons and puppets shall be his friends)

Nite!

stuff

I cannot believe that I've been awake since 7am on a saturday morning and I don't have to go to work. Why I ask you, why? It did give me the chance to catch up with my children's TV however.

I'm still full of cold, and I think I've passed it onto George too (But he needs toughening up a bit). Last night consisted of fish + chips followed by Harry Potter. (I didn't eat Harry Potter, we watched The Prisoner of Askaban. Though I did have a dream once in which Harry Potter was being dunked into a cauldron filled with curry sauce. I remember finding this pretty hilarious and woke myself up by laughing) I've seen all the Harry Potter films already and I'm not a fan of repeatedly watching films unless I've had at least a year or so to forget parts of them. So I fell asleep half way through with half my body slumped over the side of the futon. (If you want to avoid waking up in horrific pain, feeling like the hunchback of Notredame, do not sleep on a futon whilst it is still a seat, there is a reason why a futon can miraculously pull out into a comfortable sleeping device.)

I may blog later, but first I need coffee and I've a list of about 1001 things I need to get done

Sleep magical sleep

It is extrordinary how a bit of sleep can miraculously cure illness. By 'a little bit of sleep' I mean I got into bed at 7.30pm, and fell asleep before the corrie conclusion, I'm so miffed! But I felt much better today, my throat is still sore. Tonight my plan is to manage to watch Eastenders without falling asleep.

Did anyone watch a strange play last night about a countess and her footman? I woke up in the middle of the night due to too much previous kip and ended up watching the entire thing.

must sleep.... brain....disintegrating

This shall be extremely brief. I have a horrible sore throat, one of my wisdom teeth feels as though it's retreating back into the saftey of my gum, after being subjected to far too many tuna sandwiches, and my neck is hurting, I have a bleedin pain in the neck!. My brain has forgotten how to function and, oh my branflakes are soggy now, I'm so upset. It really annoys me when my body stops working correctly, it is soooo inconvenient right now, pull yourself together karis (just reaching over to put my arms back on).

Yesterday I found out all there is to know about Fifi and the Flowertots, and today I spent a great deal of time playing with a Mr. Tickle toy; his arms flail when you twist his hat-I want one! (a toy, not a flailing limb and a twisty hat)

Anyway, gotta get an early night, before I develop any more illnesses or injuries, goddam it, illnesses are just like buses, I'm really healthy for months on end then I get several things wrong with me in one day. (And another thing buses and illnesses have in common; they make me want to punch members of the public)

Tallyho! Toodlepip, just off to get into my DEATHBED.

first day wahooo!

I am totally pooped, tired enough to pass as a Narcoleptic no doubt (I always thought Narcolepsy was the coolest thing to suffer from). Today was my first day at my new job and was really good. Everyone is superduper nice. I'm going to attempt to convince people that I'm normal but over time they will discover what a big freak I am....nevermind.

A cool job would be the one Tom Hanks had in the amazing epic 'Big', playing with cool toys etc. But alas, I have no huge piano. and unlike Hanks, I really am grown up unfortunatley-no returning to a child's body for me, unless I want to end up in jail.

Okay I'm going to drink Blueberry tea in bed and watch telly, this first day lark is tough stuff, really wears you out all that unneccessary stress!

And my ankles have not yet recovered, I would take a photograph but I can't bear to look at the scabbiness, and they must be bad because I'm usually very eager to photograph wounds, especially my own. Okay I'm gunna try a photo......



My god, have you ever attempted to take a photograph of your ankles before? It's near impossible, which of course meant that I couldn't rest until I had found a way, I knew I should have taken up pilates. Looking at that photo, I have no idea how I took it, it looks as if I somehow doubled over backwards like a contortionist and snapped away at my legs on the way down, but I would have remembered doing that surely? That's really creeped me out now. I also think that perhaps this is a case of back-to-front stigmata, I have the wounds of Jesus on the cross but I accidentally got nailed from the back? No, it was my shoes, my stupid stupid shoes that looked good but went and did this to me! Now see Jade, this is why I live in sandals! I am cursed when it comes to wearing anything with even a smidgens of a heel. Grrrrr!

Off to bed now, time to tuck myself in with a bit of savlon I'm thinking!

The Recovery Position.....

The most effective recovery position after a good night out is: lying in bed propped up by a big pillow, a coffee nearby and a paracetamol at the ready. And if you are very well organized, a muffin or a bar of chocolate (I was not organized so I made do with toast) You know when you've had a good night out because you are in pain the next morning, or at least more aware of the pain once sober. This is a brief summary of last nights events:

• We watch X factor
  
• We leave house dressed imaculately
• We run through rain to bus
• We run through rain to pub
• My hair frizzes, jade's goes flat
• We have drinks with Ash
• We run less quickly to next pub
• Eri doesn't show (boyfriend stuff or something)
• We have drinks with Ash's boyfriend

Up to this point me and Jade are still looking relatively human.

• Ash and James go home
• me and jade are drunk enough to enter The Zodiac
  
• we dance like maniacs and Jade attracts a Glyn lookalike
• I spill my drink over jade
• The Glyn lookalike buys us drinks
• I try hiding as I find myself being stalked by a 7foot man
• He doesn't buy us drinks
• A particularly excellent Beastie Boys tune comes on
• People stare at me secretly thinking (is she a tourettes sufferer?)
• My feet start hurting
  
• I get seranaded to by weird Half- Iranian guy (George, no one can beat you singing Rick Astley)
• Me and Jade take our shoes off to relieve the pain a little
  
• Weird Half-Iranian guy buys us chips and curry sauce
• Weird Half-Iranian guy pays for a taxi
• Me and jade leave weird Half-Iranian guy to it and run!
• We run down scary alley in rain with no shoes on
• We tread on all manner of curious things
• We get home at last!
• My ankles are bleeding
• Jades hair is matted with wine
• Thankfully we are too drunk to realize how bedraggled we are
• We drift into a coma

And so we wake up today with aching bodies and these brief recollections. It was a lot of fun though, and that is what matters! Now, I am off to iron myself and shower my clothes....or something like that anyway, big day tomorrow and I'm not sure how I'm getting to work yet, looks like another Taxi experience is on the cards.

P.S. George, I hope you dad is recovering well today....I told you cycling in the rain through choice would bring nothing but trouble! See you in a few days.


Just so that you can fully comprehend how drunk I was, here's a photo-it's the only one that doesn't reveal the true identities of Mr BFG and Mini Glyn, which if exposed shall lose their powers:

Jamelia Vs George Michael

Okay so tonight pretty much consisted of SingStar: battle of the sisters.

Whilst I put in my usual efforts, swinging my head with emotion, clutching the Mic like a true pro, Jade goes whipping my ass with a bloody brilliant rendition of Jamelia's 'Superstar', and doesn't even break a sweat. I panic and attempt to sing George Michael's 'Careless Whisper' as accurately as possible but get a pitiful score, unable to convey gay denial as well as he could. (By the way, what are all those ropes and chains about in the video? I'm thinking phallic symbols.) I'm pretty sure I would have scored a whole lot higher if they had taken my 'doo doo doo doo' saxaphone solo into consideration.

Anyway, it was a laugh. And, we have come up with a cunning plan if all goes pear-shaped for Jade at EasyJet....A Jamelia impersonator, okay so she could only do radio or would have to sing behind a screen on account of Jade being white with blonde hair but I can see it happening my friends, truly I can!

Pants don't suck!

I went out today with the intention of buying a hoover. But instead I bought some pants. They are very special and pretty damned fabulous pants though, here's a pic:

Red and white spotty and ladybird pants....you can hardly blame me now can you. And the only hoover I found within my non-existent budget was a horrid bright yellow Proline jobby that wouldn't match any of my soft furnishings!

But it's no problem, I have borrowed Ellie's hoover, I may go off and hoover the house in my new pants! I think George will be accompanying me next time I go hoover shopping (Ellie your a bad influence, but in a good pants retrieving way, oh and thanks for varnishing my table with me, george has yet to notice the remarkable transformation)

Ellie got some funky pants too but I think she would find it weird if I took a photo of them.

Mum, if you are reading this, I will send back 'Dry' with Jade. You will read that just as fast as the last one, and it's brilliant, it almost made me want to become an alcoholic just so I could attend rehab (sounds like marvellous fun) and write my own book.

P.S. George, I really want a cat. If puss-in-boots doesn't float your boat then how about creating The Cat in the Hat? I shall let you consider it over the next....when will I see you....ummmmm, next Tuesday?

Yeh, good luck with whole cycling thing, looks like you will be spending a few days being rained on, but I'm sure you will thoroughly enjoy being soaked through to the skin cycling up and down hills, up then down, then more rain, then a cold thrashing wind.... the monotony drives you crazy, and you flip. With only a puncture repair kit in tow, you eat it in a moment of pure insanity.

Anyway.....I'm sure the fresh air will do you no good at all, but have fun all the same! Do you want me to pack my new pants? They are quite warm, you could use them as thermals? Spotty or Ladybird? No? Okay, but don't say I didn't offer.

shelves and buses: the bane of my existence. Oh, and I really want a cat....

Before I continue, I must express my hatred for both shelves (particlarly those from B+Q, and buses-specifically the number 10 stagecoach bus) Right that's a load off my chest, I'm not going to expand any further as my wounds of despair are still very much open and raw. But to Ellie and George I apologise for almost becoming a 'missing person', but it was the principal of the thing you see? Anyway.......

The primary intention of this post is as a plea to George:

I really want a cat. I want a cat more than I want chocolate (Don't worry, I won't eat the cat, the furs a little on the chewy side). No, seriously I need a cat. Without a cat my life is incomplete. A cat would fill me with joy (again, I don't intend to consume the cat). How can I convince you that a cat is the way to go? Cats are cool, just think of Top cat, Sylvester, Jess, Bagpuss, Garfield, Henry the cat, Madcat (inspector gadget), Meowth (pokemon), Puss-in boots for crying out loud! . Oh how I used to fantasise about my very own Puss-in boots but the fantasy ended when my other two cats ran away. George I can bring the fantasy to life, I have the boots all I need is the Puss. (that sounds hideous-all I need is the cat.... better, less oozey) The cat will be fun, and they are domesticated, I even have a cat apron and a cat oven glove (It's sadly much more plausible that a cat would do the washing up sooner than George) And, there are loads of cats in our street so it would have chums, or it may want to join a gang of cats and behave antisociably, but we wouldn't mind.

Perhaps this will sway you:

sooo cute

I will add my own interpretation of a cat later on.

Look George, it's either a cat or a moomin and I know which is easier to get hold of!

All things trivial

I wrote on saturday's blog that I would elaborate at a later date concerning the trivial pursuit game I lost on the evening in question.

Things didn't get off to the best of starts; my version of trivial pursuit is ancient (but only £1.99 from oxfam) and most of the trivia is either out of date (some answers include countries that no longer exist), or so before our time we would be worried if any of us did get many correct.

Anyway.....there were a few unfair dismissals where mine and Ellie's answers were concerned. One of our questions was:

'What sorts of animals were pinocchio's friends, Figaro and Cleo? '

Well this was a toughy...I was pretty sure they were fish but Ellie was adamant they were cats. So, as a compromise we offered the answer 'catfish' and hoped for the best. The answer was figaro the cat and cleo the fish but were we given the piece of cheese for our struggles? NO WE WERE NOT. But our good humour was revived when to our delight Ben discovered a miss-printed card. It had questions on one side, and yes it had answers on the flipside.....but something wasn't right.





























And so suddenly the game became interesting. I mean, if the name of the game was Randomness, I could be in with a real chance of winning!

Our jesting was interupted by Ben who was hyperventilating from laughter and almost choked on his Grolsch but luckily Ellie performed the heimlich Manoeuvre and Ben ceased to laugh like a lady anymore. Just when we thought it was safe to play on, another, yes another miss-printed card was found and more jolliness filled our brains.....
























Some of them work really well and a few kind of ruin it but my favourite has to be the 'Hip Hops House!'

P.S. These really were the cards we found printed in the pack, they have, however, inspired me to attempt to pair up as many silly question + answer sequences as possible. I will update you with progress (and yes I do have a million better things to do but none half as satisfying) Out of curiousity does anyone out there remember playing a game called MISFITS? I loved that game, and I must find one. The charity shops are calling.

Mad as a Hatter

That's it, no more Alice! Last day. It was a little sad.
There shall be no more; tourists asking me STUPID
questions (eg: 'so, is this the Alice Shop?. My response
'no, it's just a coincidence that we sell Alice related products and have a whopping great sign saying 'Alice's shop'), no more American Alice obssessives, no more people called Alice asking for a discount, no more 'kawaii' every few seconds, no more free cappuccino's from Cafe Loco (cheers to Graham and Richard-they never gave me free cake though), no more saying 'morning' to the brummie postguy, no more getting cardboard cuts, no more accidentally de-programming the till (and causing an engineer to cry through frustration with me)

Most importantly no more Eri, Luke, Yuki , Ash and anyone else unlucky enough to have to work with me this last year. All shall be sorely missed. But it's not like I'm never going to see them, I'm popping in on friday to give in an illustration for them to frame (scary) and going for drinks on saturday, and I've already been given a freelance brief to do 'when I have time' which I'm assuming will result in me not spending next week in bed eating muffins.















But this evening I am going to relax, my god I've forgotten what relaxing entails. Does chatting on the phone to several members of your family count as relaxing? Probably not. Had a good chat with my mum, my nan, and jade will be giving me a call, IF SHE GETS HER ARSE OUT OF THE BATH! I feel physically drained after so much chattering. And does blogging fall into the 'relaxing' category? I feel fairly relaxed at this moment, but a mug of Blueberry tea would be just the ticket-in my 'drink me' mug, oooooh how I miss Alice's already! Expect copious amounts of Blogging as the week commences, a week off to waste doing silly things, urgent things such as clothes washing (and some more important things which I'm ignoring right now). So there may well be much drivel pouring out from my keyboard in times of boredom-can't wait!



George is watching stargate AGAIN! But I cannot complain as he just cooked me this:


I was very pleased to see he had drawn faces on my eggs, this makes it easier for me to enjoy them. But after they were less cheerful:

fondue+trifle=lack of general knowledge?

I shall elaborate more tomorrow but at present I am far too tired and my brain feels a little damaged after 'Trivial Pursuit: battle of the sexes part 2'. I am feeling defeated (the girls lost miserably) and a bit bloated. Much cheese and trifle was consumed and i proved my lack of general knowledge yet again (sorry ellie) Sorry to interupt but George said I had to look at this:

http://www.pornotube.com/media.php?m=916
(this is not porn, it's worse, much worse)



Anyway......Ben, cheers for the blueberry and pomegranate juice, who would have thought the taste of heaven would show up an a carton at sainsbury's?

I'm off to bed, my last day tomorrow, boohoo.
Will write much more monotonously tomorrow!

P.S. Ellie, email me the radish pic, you should keep a scrap book of your radishes and name them (well that's what I would do)

radishes and red wine

This evening I consumed the largest portion of fish and chips ever! Okay so I left most of the chips-Ben enjoy! Ellie and I discovered just how pathetic we were, struggling for an entire quarter of Big Brother before finally figuring out a bit was missing to the cork screw. (and this was before we had even had a glass of wine) I got back home about twenty minutes ago and realized just how 'Goth' red wine makes me look. And it was Canti Rosso so I'm stained now for at least two days (canti rosso beats Rimmel Long last anyday). I sampled Ellie's first Radish and I'm still alive, nothing has swollen yet. Actually it was pretty goddam delicious, well done Ellie you little farmer woman. I hope you shan't be wasting it on those sporadically weeing rabbits of yours! And bring round some other home grown vegetable treats tomorrow.

I wish I could grow stuff. I am going to try, I even have a pack of marigold seeds at the ready (free from free-stuff.co.uk) But my past ventures have produced only limp, poor excuses for plants. Perhaps growing food is easier? I want to grow chocolate cakes and jars of nescafe, mmmm. I would love growing those.

Anyway, I am tired, have pooey work tomorrow and bed looks cosy. (Ellie + Ben-Apologies in advance for the state of our house tomorrow evening, hopefully the smell of fondue shall distract you from the mess)

high flyer

Just a quick post to say Jade, CONGRATULATIONS! You got the job. I'm so excited for you and I can't believe you will be living in london by the end of this month! You will have to let me go flat hunting with you. All the best, you are going to have an adventure, can't wait to see you next week for celebratory punting! (We must think of fun stuff to do whilst you're here and relax before we get bogged down with our new jobs!)

Anyhoooo, off to boil some eggs.

The Unfortunate Contortion of my Mother's Womb

I feel it necessary to offer you an explanation with regards to the way I turned out, you know, reasons why I'm such A BIG GODDAM FREAK! Well........ It's mostly my mum's fault.

I began my tiny foetal life sloshing about inside her belly, my barely formed limbs flailing as my mother revved up the Harley Davidson. I was a little too eager to get out of my host and caused my mum severe pain: some ripping occurred, and lets just say I’m forgiven only on the basis that I’m such a delight! (I still see the panic in her eyes if I get that little bit too close)

I was her first born and my mother was left utterly traumatised. I had popped out prematurely and ruined her day. Now she was preparing herself for post-natal depression, practically bed-ridden with stitches in all the horrid places. She told me that the first night I spent in this world she held me in her arms, looked down curiously at my little wrinkled face and thought to herself ’WHAT THE PANTS DO I DO WITH THAT?’ (okay so she probably used a more offensive word than pants, but it’s my mum so I’m painting a pretty picture, honest)

As if my birth alone wasn’t enough of a hassle, it seems I wasn’t the perfect specimen of a human baby…..No I had bloody hooked feet. Already ridding my mother of her former body and dignity, I had also blessed her with deformity. So, Forest Gump-style I am clad with a pair of....wait for it.......metal boots, yes I kid you not, I spent my most tender years sporting great big METAL BOOTS! All of this is true, I swear on the Trunk of Ganesh himself)

This does however, explain my morbid fascination for Freaks. I sympathise you see, I still am one at heart. The elephant man is one of my favourite films, so too is The Fly (how Geena Davis could shoot Jeff Goldblum in the head as he shuffled his man/fly/telepod-fused self along the floor I shall never understand. It is imperative that I watch every channel 5 documentary series. (channel 5 almost fills the void left by no more Ripley’s Believe it or not) And Currently I am reading a book called ‘Freaks’- genius title, I’m engrossed in a chapter all about parasitic twins, it truly is enthralling.)

http://nurple.com/sideshow/

P.S. Mum, thanks for pushing me out. They do say better out than in don't they-plus, it would have been much more painful for both of us if I were still in there.

Happily deranged: memoirs of a loony

After reading 'Running With Scissors' by Augusten Burroughs (a while ago this was), I felt enthused enough to start writing down my own childhood memories. I sooooo loved reading this book; I laughed out loud on many occasions, but not with that nervous 'this is hilarious but hideously disturbing ' laughter, but because I could totally relate to his bizarre upbringing. (only in some senses, I never moved in with a sex obsessed psycologist or anything)

Ellie-remind me to lend you 'DRY', equally as gripping!

I came up with the idea of scrawling a few stories down on paper last Christmas then got really busy and forgot all about it. But today I found an old notepad with a list of possible Chapter headings (something I had written whilst on the toilet, I could tell because I had used my toilet pen. My toilet pen is made from a toilet brush, only kidding, I have no idea when I wrote this or where, as for the toilet pen, only a pipedream.) What matters is that I want to know which chapter headings (if any) would compell you to read on? And which ones are just pants? And of course, I would illustrate the book, far too many adult books lack pictures and quite frankly, I'm not impressed. Bring on adult picture books (no not dirty stuff,).

There are lots of heading ideas here:

1. Beans and Brownies
2. PIY: Pierce It Yourself
3. Jade gets plastered (from the waist down)
4. Drowned Tamagotchi (digital doggy paddle)
   
5. Wallace and gromit: Orthodontist style
6. sibling rivalry: Rocky Horror Show
7. Embracing my nashers
   
8. The Curse of Stamina: the original Gump (alluded to briefly in a recent blog 'the unfortunate contortion of my mother's womb'
   
9. Bamford Road: ASBO City
10. GCSE History V's Netball
11. When dogs fly....(and brothers wear tights)
12. The Kagool Dispute
13. Causing a Racket
14. Playdoh: Jade gets creative
15. Head bangers and mash
    
16. Plug Prongs hurt....(ellie, your favourite)
17. Nasal sweetcorn/polysterene ball, whatever...
18. A hernia, a splinter, and a sea of jelly
19. Mum + nail scissors: Mike goes contemporary
20. Mum sees red on sportsday
21. Remaining Stabilized
    
22. Caravans, cousins, and contagions
23. It's all relative (brief encounters)
24. The Tale of the Smoking soles
    
25. Pancake Day and Phillipa flips
26. Year four: An eyeopener
27. Gymnastics: The Flaw routine
    
28. Dancer in the dark
    
29. Sorry Mart.....broke your skateboard
30. Sorry Mart.....fractured your skull
31. Hell's Angels: Heavenly Creatures.
    
32. Big Kay: my mum is a body builder and other dilemmas
    

All this reminiscing got me thinking about lots of bizarre stuff, Sara do you remember Jan, and the Vegetable Curry woman at Tarot lessons? Do you still have your tarot certificate? How the bleedin' hell did we manage to find ourselves doing that course? Hilarious though, I'm just off to muse over my major Arcana.

And from her mind doth spring Gobbledygook!

I can't decide if this is finished or not, it needs some more, ummm, something. What do think? I may fiddle with it later and update the pic!

I finish for good at Alice's on Sunday, the day will be bitter sweet. Bitter to be leaving such a lovely quirky job but sweet having a spanking new job to start! I had an interesting discussion with Eri today on the subject of phonetics, okay so we were comparing animal sounds in English and Japanese. The conversation would have become really confusing if her boyfriend had been present (he is Korean and speaks excellent english, Eri speaks a little Korean, a smaller amount of chinese, and pretty good English. Eri and her boyfriend can have entire conversations and not fully grasp what the other is saying, it is strange that English is their common language) Oh yeh, and then there is me, I struggle even to speak english lately, I find myself making words up constantly. I can say 'cute' in many languages now though (when thirty school girls exclaim 'cute' in unison you catch on quick.)

Most popular word=Cute:

'Kawaii' (japanese), or 'ker ai' (mandarin)

We were shocked to discover that some animal sounds were totally different yet surely a japanese pig makes the same sound as a british one? I taught her how to pronounce Purr-this one totally flumuxed her as 'r's' are not used commonly. It is also how I came to be known as 'kadis' . I quite like it, like a kadis fly. Thanks to me Eri will be taking home phrases such as 'Toodlepip', 'YamYam', 'Country Bumpkin' and 'pop' as in fizzy drink, she loves that one, These are all delightful words she was not made aware of when learning English. And I have convinced her to pronounce words with a northern accent!. We have decided that Eri's accent over in Japan is the equivalent of a Bristol accent here in the uk.

George will be leaving me on my loansome mid next week, he is taking his holiday next week and spending the entirety of it elsewhere. He is going down south to do the Southdown Way (some cycling thing, not that sure) But I shall have a visitor in the form of Jade, when do you plan on coming down by the way?

Have a look at this:
http://image.nartbox.com/ecard/swf/040121_dung.swf
Are you as confused, amused and distubed as I am?

Very rough translation:

I don't like byunbi [constipation]
I like kwaebyun [opposite of constipation]

When the sun shines, I run to the bathroom
The things I ate yesterday leave my body
Did you eat a chamwai [Korean pear]? Check! Matdongsan! [Korean snack]
Did you eat a watermelon? Check! Chocolate-chip cookie!
Did you have some milk? Check! Joripong! [Korean snack]

I don't like byunbi [constipation]
I like kwaebyun [opposite of constipation]

Good good, today I want to make
Pretty-shaped poo
Put some force into it! Check! Peanut!
Shake your hips! Check! Koolkwabaegi! [Korean snack]
Go round and round! Check! Onion ring!

Today too, be strong and push it out and excrete!

[End credit:] Until the day when everybody can start the morning with a kwaebyun [opposite of constipation] ...

Before I zonk.....

Well I am well and truly cream crackered so I shall keep this brief. By Friday I will have done another ten working days in a row-I'm in desperate need of a day off! I don't mind people being ill, hey we all get ill don't we and it's pretty pants when you are ill. But at this rate, all this extra work I'm doing is going to make me ill which isn't fair! Bring on the new job I say, relieve me from this vigorous post. I shall cover the sick no more, let them attend work in a duvet with a hanky and a lemsip.

George is downstairs watching Inner Space, you know that film where Dennis Quaid is shrunk to the size of a cell intended for injection into a rabbit but all goes hilariously wrong and instead he gets injected into the butt of that little dude from The Three Amigos! This really should have been just up my street, or rectum or whatever but I couldn't relax and enjoy it. Why does Meg Ryan have to go and ruin everything all the time?

So I have decided to write this and in a minute I must compose a forceful email to our letting agents asking for a new toilet seat and to come fix our oven. I must admit I was thoroughly amused to see george pull out a baking tray of fully defrosted but not at all cooked oven chips after 20 minutes and look questionably at me! As if I had turned the oven off or something. But no, I had not, the oven had died of natural causes.

Will be more awake for a blurb tomorrow perhaps. I'm going to go zonk out.

Oh yeh, and I discovered through Yuki (paddington shop) today that Luke's (oxford shop) father has a false leg. Yuki had a shock because his old leg was at the bottom of a pile of rubbish in the boot of her car, ready to be thrown away at the dump. Funny that I was harking on about prosthetic limbs recently..... (by old leg I'm referring to his old prosthetic, not his actual leg, he didn't get it severed off by the car boot shutting.)

Zonk, that's it I'm out.

Leaving on a Jade Plane

Well done jade! The simple fact that you managed to get to Luton in the first place is impressive enough for me, hey who cares if you get the job, you used public transport, you reached your destination, you are triumphant. More seriously though, I'm glad it went well and my fingers are crossed (you will be doing a lot of that once your cabin crew) And I will be very jealous of your makeup allowance.. I don't get a stationary allowance, it's not fair. By the way, I found the cd with last years live8 photos on so click on the fotos link, I uploaded a few.

I really must start getting some early nights. I have developed one of those horrid side headaches, the ones that are not actually in your head, they creep behind your eye and throb until you can't function and end up relieving the pressure by hanging yourself or giving your left knee an almighty thwack with a hairdryer just to distract you from the side, head, eye ache thing.

But before I attempt to sleep (my body has been reluctant to do so recently due to much caffeine) I am going to finish this post before hugging my 'reduced to 55p manorhouse fruit cake' You can always rely on Tescos to cut the price of a delicious granny treat. I know, only your nan eats fruitcake, well I am standing up and confessing that I too love fruitcake. Though the manor house fruitcake is adequately scrumptious, nobody can beat the warm moist consistency of my nan's interpretation. Oooo I can just smell it now......

Nope, it didn't work. Damn it. I really wish that if you closed your eyes and thought as hard as you could about a desirable food it would appear. But unfortunately my brain power is too feeble to master such trickery!

Today I bought some blueberries. Normally I stare curiously at blueberries, consider them long and hard then reject them. But since discovering my enthusaism for blueberry tea (Apple + cinnamon also quite divine) I though hey, why not give em a whirl. So I have blueberries. They are in the fridge looking a bit lonely. I don't think they get on with dairy products. I also have four blueberry muffins and a box of Blueberry tea, am I becoming overzealous now, just a tad perhaps? But I think blueberries are good for you, and what's the worst that could happen. Okay so I could develop a blue tinge to the skin and inflate to the size of a hot air balloon, sounds like a riot, I'm willing to take the risk.

Before I go have a shower and trip over my crap that occupies the majority of the bedroom floor, (cleaning has moved way down in my list of priorities) I will first express my disappointment in George. I would have expressed it earlier but I only remembered today. As part of his birthday present back in March, I was kind enough to buy him 'If Chins Could Kill' by Bruce Campbell. For a long time George had tried hard to convince me of Bruce's true genius. I even sat through 'The Man With the Screaming Brain for ganesh's sake! And so, this book was a gesture, proof that I had accepted Bruce Campbell as George's idol and mentor. BUT HAS HE SODDING WELL BOTHERED TO READ IT? no he hasn't. And further more I'm feeling the urge to read it myself thus revealing my true colours as a fan. Resist the temptation Karis, it's not worth the torment.

scanner+hair+paint+mac=

I really should go to sleep, I started to really get into this picture though so I had to finish!

A Woman needs a Bicycle like a Man needs a Guinness

Yeh, I was going for some clever play on words but instead I ended up reminiscing about old Guinness adverts. But for those who understand the association, to you I give chocolates and champagne (if I had either one of those things they would have been devoured simultaneously and I would be feeling fat and sassy) Before I continue and explain my post title, I must declare something randomly… MY SPOON IS TOO BIG! This declaration is mainly for George. But anyone who has at some point watched the REJECTED animations will suddenly burst into fits of laughter then accidentally get blown off their page, desperately clutching the stick leg of one of their cloud-shaped mateys. ‘My Spoon is too big” is both poignant and hysterical, I only wish REJECTED were my own creation, I would love myself more and more everyday and my head would grow large. But, the simple fact remains that my genius remains hidden, submerged in the deep emerald waters that slosh about my Gall Bladder. You get the low-down at www.bitterfilms.com. I really, really want that dvd, buy it and post it to me and I will love you forever.

Anyway, back to what I was supposed to discuss: women need bikes like men need Guinness.
For well over a year now I have cycled to and from work so I have become a genuine oxford cyclist. I am worried that with the new job comes a new mode of transport, transport with more than two wheels sporting some foreign object called an engine apparently. Yes, I shall be getting a lift to work in a real live car. For me it is the equivalent of going on a rollercoaster, cars had become a distant (though not distant enough when I'm on my bike) memory. As strange as it sounds I am really going to miss the daily cycling caffuffles, the occasional female on bike versus male chav in a car, god how I love it when I get to whizz past them and they sit frustrated and stripped of their male pride stuck in a queue, ha! I will miss the middle class mums on their basketed ladies bicycles, swearing and encouraging bicycle rage against the MACHINES! I won't have wacky races with random fellow cyclists (To make the journey more entertaining I chose the wackiest looking person on a bike and attempt to beat them to the next set of lights, dangerous but satisfying; I swear to Ganesh that a three foot guy sporting a pony tail provided a decent enough challenge.

There are of course things that I shall most definately NOT miss:

1. I will avoid long periods of time spent with my face deep in bus exhaust fumes (thus getting rid of the extra ear that had grown recently)
2. People that walk in the BLOODY CYCLE LANE. The near deaths are countless due to absent minded/visually impaired/ males under 25 pedestrians
3. I will no longer suffer from 'mushroom' hair caused by the lethal combination of sweaty helmet , wind, and hair prone to looking like, well a mushroom.
4. The Horror of Headington Hill. I have seen grown men struggle to get half way up that hill so I'm pretty chuffed that I've managed it on a frequent basis.
5. This cycling lark has also allowed me to gain a six pack and buns of steel(I am exaggerating only slightly)- to some, this is a positive but I think george is jealous. I have told him not to worry, a few months going to work by car and my butt shall return to it's former less-toned self. I am however, determined to stay fit now that I feel so energised and I really get a buzz from it.

In conclusion, I think every woman can benefit from the odd cycling session, the wind blowing your hair into dissarry, students shouting 'fall' out of their car windows at the top of their lungs , insisting that they are blessed with the gift of telekenesis. Actually thay are all idiots with large mouths and not enough lectures. it gives you a real power trip when you weave through the cars and trundle along at your own leisure down a cyclist only road. You emerge just as the lights turn green, step up a gear, and race the white escort parading a halfords exhaust, the one flaunting an array of fibreglass rubbish being driven by a midget clad in burberry! There is no bigger rush than beating him, and don't forget to look over your shoulder and enjoy a couple of seconds worth of chav humilation (before racing home just in case he wants revenge-I'm lucky because I live by a Macdonalds so any chav's chasing me would get distracted by Ronald's big shiny carpark)

A pool of Tears for Alice

Alas I am tearful as my time with Alice Products Ltd. comes to a close. It has been so much fun-I call the shop 'Little Japan' because 90% of it's customers are japanese (Alice is very popular in Korea and China though I mustn't forget!) Even Jimmy Choo has visited!

On a very busy day though I often found work comparable to a scene from Battle Royale. I am sad to be leaving but joyous at the prospect of a new job, plus I am hoping to continue designing for Alice's on a freelance basis (fingers crossed). If you are ever in Oxford or Paddington please visit and see all manner of curious things, or alternatively visit the website www.sheepshop.com
You will have to visit a shop to buy any of my designs though as the website has not been updated. Anyway, end of an era. And I have made some good friends, I'm hoping Eri's open invite to Tokyo stays open until I have time/money to go! Bye Bye Alice's, I will miss you. Sayounara.

My Nan: The Human Thesaurus

Cheers Nan. I always have her to rely on to keep me in check, spell check that is. She has kindly informed me that I managed to miss-spell some stuff, an 'E' instead of an 'A' or something. Anyway, whatever the inaccuracy, my Nan is first to the rescue, the rectifier of bad punctuation, the saviour of good proper English. She has never failed to win at scrabble, which can at times be utterly infuriating. She is a human thesaurus, chuck her a crossword and not only will she complete it in thirty seconds but she will point out errors and indicate possible improvements.

Definition of NAN:

A river of Western Tailand flowing about 563 km generally southward to join the Ping River and form the Chao Phraya. (I wonder if the Ping pongs at all?)

NaN (Not a Number) is a value or symbol that is usually produced as the result of an operation on invalid input operands, especially in floating point calculations. For example, most floating point units are unable to calculate the square root of negative numbers, and will instead indicate that the operation was invalid and return a NaN result. (I don't get this one at all, in fact I got bored reading it, dunno why I even put this in)

Variant of naan; A flat, leavened bread of northwest India, made of white flour and baked in a tandoor. (sometimes I wish my nan was this nan)

your grandmother (not specifically yours but you know what I mean, one's grandmother if you want to be posh, unless your name is One-then it kind of screws up a bit)

A small, pink, fictional creature (this one's my favourite)

The Saddening Tale of the Drowned Beetle

make of this what you will, I certainly did.

A finger puppet fantasy

I don't remember why but I was thinking a lot about chocolate fingers which then led me to seriously consider the concept of chocolate prosthetics. I know that they would be entirely impractical but I think as novelty gifts to one of your single- legged chums, such a thing would go down well, quite literally. Just imagine being able to eat one of your own chocolate limbs-they could be hollowed out like the chocolate bunnies you get at easter, that way you wouldn't be lugging a heavy load around. You would have to stay close to refridgerated areas, sunbathing wouldn't be advised but hell that would be entertaining-kind of like watching a snowman melt, you could observe your Uncle Bob's trouser leg slowly deflate in the sun and ooze chocolatey liquid all over his sun lounger. Anyway, back to the post title: My train of thought began with the choccy fingers, digressed as I contemplated eating my very own chocolate leg, then finally took a u-turn back to more digit related delicacies such as various finger foods. I am really keen to knit an array of finger food puppets, a volauvent on one finger, a sausage roll on another, perhaps a chicken wing and a crisp for them to flirt with. Unfortunatley I can't remember how to knit, and it would be just plain crazy to try and create such characters using actual food.

real-life edit

I'm going to try and post stuff as I do it, so these are all pretty recent-last few days have been spent dabbling on my mac. Have you ever found yourself drawing manually, lets say with an actual physical pencil and then the line goes hideously wrong and your brain automatically tells you to click on 'edit' and 'undo' I'm always so very disapointed when I realize 'edit' and 'undo' don't exist in the real world. I'm also very sad. (in the geeky sense not the unhappy one) I feel a bit unhappy now that I've established I'm a geek though. Okay so I'm sad in all its forms. Good.

unleash the fruitcake

If I can get into the habit of updating this regularly (I think I'm allergic to twix bars, or perhaps simply not immune to large quantities of them stuffed into my watering mouth. I feel a bit dizzy, a glucose overdose.) Sorry, I digressed. Yes if I manage to blog regularly (as you can see I tend to get distracted-normally by biscuits or the talking chocolates summoning me over to relish their chocolatey selves!) If, for the Love of God and all that is Holy, I manage to finish my own sentance; my god I frustrate myself sometimes I really do, I feel sorry for anyone unfortunate enough to stumble across this waffle, god forbid should they allow themselves to read it.

So, to summarise: I cannot complete sentances, I ought to be morbidly obese but my Goddam metabolism is preventing such an eventuality. I like to personify food before devouring it, oh and the point I was trying to get across was.........

This blog is intended as a kind of make-shift gallery whilst I'm working on my website. So feel free to provide me with deconstructive critisism, it's always welcome!

jibber jabber

HokeyDokey, here I go, prepare to be infiltrated by a host of jocular jabberings!

Okay, I admit that the majority of my jabberings are not at all jocular, in fact I'm predicting right now that many a jabbering shall be dull and relentless, and I may even have to post unfinished jabberings due to a self-induced coma of boredom. So in an attempt to be brief, toodleloo!