The Unfortunate Contortion of my Mother's Womb

I feel it necessary to offer you an explanation with regards to the way I turned out, you know, reasons why I'm such A BIG GODDAM FREAK! Well........ It's mostly my mum's fault.

I began my tiny foetal life sloshing about inside her belly, my barely formed limbs flailing as my mother revved up the Harley Davidson. I was a little too eager to get out of my host and caused my mum severe pain: some ripping occurred, and lets just say I’m forgiven only on the basis that I’m such a delight! (I still see the panic in her eyes if I get that little bit too close)

I was her first born and my mother was left utterly traumatised. I had popped out prematurely and ruined her day. Now she was preparing herself for post-natal depression, practically bed-ridden with stitches in all the horrid places. She told me that the first night I spent in this world she held me in her arms, looked down curiously at my little wrinkled face and thought to herself ’WHAT THE PANTS DO I DO WITH THAT?’ (okay so she probably used a more offensive word than pants, but it’s my mum so I’m painting a pretty picture, honest)

As if my birth alone wasn’t enough of a hassle, it seems I wasn’t the perfect specimen of a human baby…..No I had bloody hooked feet. Already ridding my mother of her former body and dignity, I had also blessed her with deformity. So, Forest Gump-style I am clad with a pair of....wait for it.......metal boots, yes I kid you not, I spent my most tender years sporting great big METAL BOOTS! All of this is true, I swear on the Trunk of Ganesh himself)

This does however, explain my morbid fascination for Freaks. I sympathise you see, I still am one at heart. The elephant man is one of my favourite films, so too is The Fly (how Geena Davis could shoot Jeff Goldblum in the head as he shuffled his man/fly/telepod-fused self along the floor I shall never understand. It is imperative that I watch every channel 5 documentary series. (channel 5 almost fills the void left by no more Ripley’s Believe it or not) And Currently I am reading a book called ‘Freaks’- genius title, I’m engrossed in a chapter all about parasitic twins, it truly is enthralling.)

http://nurple.com/sideshow/

P.S. Mum, thanks for pushing me out. They do say better out than in don't they-plus, it would have been much more painful for both of us if I were still in there.