Cream Crackered!!!

I'm too tired to type, weekend was Super dooper good, this bank holiday monday was very much required and I used it as a recovery day. Shall elaborate tomorrow as I only have the energy to go eat, shower and sleep.....yawny yawny yawny, bleughhh......soup is calling me, hot comforting soup...soup is my friend. BYEEEEEEEEEE!!!!

I am not an animal! I am a human being! I...am...a man!

Word of the day: phalanges


I can't sleep. I am watching Rambo First Blood Part 2....I wish Stallone would do something with that sweaty bandanna thing round his head, it needs a good wash, it's been dangling in all sorts and has blood encrusted on it, and he's right by a river so he could give it a quick rinse. I just had a bath and managed to have an entire conversation with myself. It seems insanity is the price of living alone, something must be done before I go totally crazy and start imagining I have a flatmate the way Ed Norton kind of made up Brad Pitt in Fight Club if you get what I mean, mind you I wouldn't mind pretending to have a flatmate if they happened to be Ed Norton...or Brad Pitt, but mostly Ed Norton. I'm bored on my own. I thought typing would make me tired but it hasn't. Oh well I will have to watch that horror movie that's on 'The Ghoul' Peter Cushing and John Hurt are in it, oooo! I love John Hurt. That reminds me, I haven't done my 6 monthly viewing of the greatest film ever that 1980 classic 'The Elephant Man'. Everyone thinks I'm weird or sick for loving that film but it's so sad, it makes me cry, it makes me want to marry the elephant man (obviously only if John Hurt is under the makeup)I just want to hug the elephant man and tell him everything will be okay and that life in the circus will be great, that having medical professionals(well...) poke and prod you could in fact be a pleasurable experience and to stop friggin' moaning about not being able to breath at night, I can't breath at night at the moment due to hayfever and do I complain?. Oh elephant man, how I long to be your friend. That ghoul movie's on now, toodlepip! But here is a pic of John Merrick AKA The Elephant man AKA John Hurt in a moment of deep contemplation: He is wondering if his hand is too small like Jeremy Beadle's, that his glove is a bit creepy, and is also concerned that the mantle piece is rather cluttered.

I am addicted to fat-pie.com

I have become addicted to fat-pie.com. Go visit Saladfingers and mateys and get guilty pleasures out of watching morbid and politically incorrect animation, yey!I am ashamed to say I gave in and used an eyeliner today. My eye itched a bit but I didn't go blotchy. Also visit The Gay Adventures of Burnt Face Man

Noel Fielding - Amused Moose

A poignant tale of love and betrayal.....

Drip drip drop little Fecking Rain storms all over the shop

Word of the day: Yiddish

The world would be a better place if more sign posts were in yiddish.

Today is my 10th day of wearing no makeup....I have set myself a challenge, not much of one, I'm to avoid any makeup for as long as possible. Why? I came to the conclusion that I am in fact very allergic to a lot of makeup and it was making my skin all funny so I'm going cold turkey. It is quite liberating actually and I was never much good at applying makeup anyway, I don't really own that much of it, a few eyeliners and a mascara I think, I do like brightly coloured eyeliners I must admit but I apply it like I'm drawing with a crayon on paper so I end up looking like a clown, gunna see how long I can go without giving in to the temptation. The only problem is I look a bit albino when totally devoid of colour. Oh well. If anyone knows of any hypoallergenic makeup which is extremely cheap let me know. In the meantime my face shall remain naked.

I cannot believe Serbia won the Eurovision...... I had to do a double take, I could have sworn the singer was one half of the Crankies...Does anybody know what the lyrics were about....my assumption was that the singer 'Maria Sillibitch' I think Wogan said was her name...I think she is a very butch hockey player in denial of her sexuality and the taller more attractive lesbians are fighting over her affections.

And did you see guest star Santa...the most terrifying Santa ever....he was very creepy and slimy. Finland is strange....I still want to visit Helsinki though.

It should have been the Ukraine and its crazy timmy mallet/dame edna/tin man amalgam surely!!!! I do feel a little more educated now though, I didn't know Moldova existed until last night.

Toodlepip!

I is skint...the world is filled with evil money possessing people that mock me, mock me I tell you, with all their stuff and the like aghhhhhhh!!!!

As titles go I think that is one of my most ridiculous to date.

Word of the day: Gump

I am often a gump. Sometimes I enjoy being a gump but gumping about can lead to mockery, to horrible painful mockery. What the feck am I going on about, god knows....oh normality, how I crave to be sane.

Anyway, I think all weekends should be bank holiday length, a good solid three days of chillin', makes such a difference. Had a really nice weekend in Ox, Transmission was excellent on Friday evening, not only did I get to see good old Punka Lauren Laverne and her sexy co host mr. Steve Jones(who is much better looking from a meter away than on telly), but I got to stand scarily close to the amazing Peep Show duo David Mitchell and Robert Webb, I was desperate to do something to them (stroke their arms or pinch their bums) but they were being interviewed so I thought I might get told off. They are both a lot shorter than I imagined....but that seems to be the case with most celebrities....perhaps I am a giant? Considering the night was all free it was rather good. I was very impressed with the clever disguising of the Cowley Road Bingo Hall. Big piles of cardboard boxes is all it takes to create 'cool' channel4esque studio decor, fab! We got to see Maroon v-the singer guy is very easy on the eye but kept thrusting his crotch in Ellie and Sue's faces but they didn't seem to mind, also saw Jamie T and Queens of the Stoneage and kind of heard the interview with Sophie Ellis Bexter as she was stuck on the top of the weird scaffold stage thing that I think was made out of macano. If you happen to be watching telly this friday, flick onto channel 4 and look out for me on Transmission, I'm wearing a spotty scarf.

I ate many a sausage at Ellie and Ben's on Saturday at their bbq. I had forgotten how lovely barbecued bananas are too....oooo gorgeous. Ben psycho-analyzed me and I have discovered that I am an ENFP (extroverted, intuitive, feeling, perceiver...is that right Ben?) It was really interesting actually, now I want everybody to be analyzed.

I have an aching bum today from playing rounders yesterday....not sure why my bum aches particularly? And my face got burned somehow even though I didn't think it was that hot yesterday...but it's always on a windy day that I seem to drastically burn myself, the wind blows lies and the sun sneakily scolds your vulnerable skin.

I have forgotten what money looks like.....oh one day I will have some again, until then I am on a strict diet of houmous and pitta(could be worse) As a last resort I may have to sell my body but I doubt it will be worth much.

I thought my nan was a pirate....

word of the day: hodge-podge

Bleughhhhh! That is how I feel. I spent my weekend being fed a lot. My nan goes into a cooking frenzy whenever I visit in her attempt to 'fatten' me up. I did my best to fatten up, I ate tons, I have discovered recently that I really enjoy food but normally when cooked or prepared by other people. Got to catch up with Megan on Saturday which was really nice, we mustn't wait so long next time. We decided to embrace culture and look round the new POP ART exhibition in the Gallery...don't know if it was the heat or if I'm just apathetic but what impressed me most was a big afro wig which I tried on and secretly wanted to steal....

One thing that annoys me about Wolverhampton is the friggin' wolves supporters everywhere, I am what I call a 'silent' supporter which means I suddenly become enthusiastic when Wolves do well....otherwise I keep quiet because the inevitability is that they are and shall forever be a bit shit. Okay so there was a big match on Saturday and we were walking past the Molineux to megs but it's no excuse for people to just clog up the pavements with their orange beer bellied selves now is it?

Went out for Ellie's 25th (ellie you are a granny ha!) and ate a generous portion of good wolverhampton Curry in Shebab (why are oxford curry houses so stingy with portions?, mind you there are fatter people in Wolverhampton.)

Had good night, ended up in Blast off and spent most of the evening being a tad drunk and dancing in the 70's bar...put a bit of James Brown on and I'm transformed into a shape thrower.

Spent Sunday feeling a little bleuugh but my nan continued to feed me stuff. Did some more freelancey stuff, waited for some people to turn up to view the house but they didn't...HOW ANNOYING. My nan has been experiencing many an enlightenment this week after her cataracts operation. She suddenly discovered that her windows needed cleaning....see nan, ignorance is bliss. And she scared me to death because she has to sleep in a patch, she emerged from her bedroom patch on eye, shoe horn in hand which I interpreted as a peg leg and frightened the bejesus out of me, my nan is indeed a crazy pirate lady.

Went jogging yesterday and pleasantly suprised myself by cutting 4 minutes off my normal time. But today I was a minute over again, damn me!!! Jogging always makes me really hungry though so I got back and ate two creme caramels, they are gorgeous, I could have a bath in a big creme caramel, ooooo.


Ellie and Ben, cheers for the flake cake, yummy, the 'supersize karis' must stop unless you want to supersize me with lettuce....I am trying to get ultra fit and you tempt me with your choclately treats.....

Nan-cheers for cooking me the nicest sunday roast I've had in quite a while, hope your doctors appointment went ok!